I'm Not Going to Disappear

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I thought about messaging you personally. Many times. I even wrote a letter, never sent, explaining it all. The farm sale. The bipolar diagnosis. A ministry career ending.

I thought I was disappearing. I'm not going to disappear.

In 2024, right around my 40th birthday, I got severely depressed. Took a leave of absence. I got better. I wrote about it in the Anniston Star. Tied a bow on it. Even got a printed copy to frame in my office.

The next year, I resigned from the church after Ash Wednesday. Abruptly, with a confidence that felt like calling. I doubled down on the flower farm. I was working 16-20 hour days, sleeping three or four hours a night. Everything felt holy. Wild success was inevitable. Heather was trying to hold on through the whirlwind.

Then the depression came back. I was diagnosed bipolar. After a year of waiting, Heather's surgery was finally scheduled, and we began to realize we would sell the farm.

We spent two weeks in Atlanta. We came home to a farm that was up for sale.

I stopped going outside. I was frozen. Then I went to the hospital. Three weeks in the psych center. After the discharge, I hid. Jason checked on me weekly. I was hiding.

A lot happened between that framed copy and now. But this isn't that post.

Last week I went to a Chamber of Commerce meetup at Called Coffee. After a few conversations I sat down to take a break. A woman across the room waved. Sarah, my wife's boss. A flower patron not long ago. I walked over. Karla Eden and a couple of others were debating who I was.

"That's Matt from the flower farm."

They said it was sad that it ended. I said I was still sad too.

Three coffee meetups this week.

Last month I started reaching out for web design referrals. Then I worked up the courage to prepare Samuel's profile.

The farm sold while I was in the hospital. The bipolar diagnosis. A two-decade ministry career gone.

Driving my kids to friends houses in Pleasant Valley, I pass farms. I still feel it. But it's not all-consuming anymore.